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The real story of bears

Subject: Far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks

into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he

squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks

into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?"

he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen & yells,

For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in

the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who

unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy

Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the

cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy

Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog,

cleaned the cat's litter tray gave them their food, and refilled their water. And

now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- butts downstairs and grace

Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to

say this once....I haven’t made the stinkin' porridge yet!!!"

Happy Wife = Happy Life

Clear instructions for a happy household

The Merit/Demerit Point System......

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system works.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

++

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)

* In the rain. (+8)

* But return with Beer. (-5)

++

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college
buddy.
(-2)

Named Tina. (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Saskatchewan

I am a good ol' Saskatchewan Farm Boy - so I liked this one!

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than
one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and often.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you and most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left
you. Then walk beside you in the front of the crowd.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their SASKATCHEWAN
Friends!

"Life is Short. Dance Naked & Wiggle Your Butt."

Common Sense ?? .....

SO true in life!!!

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary
Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Amazing Facts about the Human Body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of
human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed
the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream
lasts 2-3 seconds
.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of
water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the
same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?

Two Hutterites....

(I can hear your groans from here!)

Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head
directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the
Farm Boss, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies in dat cage up der,"
says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob and John pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and
drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge,
John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a
grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the
bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and
says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO:

Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's
been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag
and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down,
Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet
until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya, und I'm
never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....
PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe,
the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out
of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then
grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits
bottom.

Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie
jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.

The Pastors Ass

This is funny and has a good moral at the end-no need to be offended.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT .

The Bishop was so up set with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

.The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself And enjoy life...
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a Lot happier and live longer!

A different way to think of things!

A different way to think of things!

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard
a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have
been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test
is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest! replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
"Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you
do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you
credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve! ? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though
that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit
for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"It's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated
St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how
in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run."
====================

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And to pass it on to other folks.

First baby and .....

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't' do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you
pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake
your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether
they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if
needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.
________________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call home five times.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
_____________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child
to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from
his allowance!

Not a Joke - Just the Facts on this one!

THIS IS A LIFE CHANGING PROGRAM.

You need to stay on track - right?

You need to work towards your goals - right?

You need to keep straight on your priorities - right?

You want - no NEED to live your DREAMS - Definitely!

And above all else - it has to be simple. Come on, everyone is already too busy. You don't want to spend hours or days or even weeks learning new ways, taking new fangled courses, trying to figure it all out.

The solution --> http://www.topzed.com/simple

This is a very simple system to get down to the basics of what is really important.

To YOU!

In your life - your job - your business - your relationships.

Try it --> http://www.topzed.com/simple - oh, by the way - did I tell you it's FREE!

Yes, the creator Mark Joyner wanted this available to everyone! Mark has made his money in other ways - this is for everyone.

let me tell you my story . . . .

I am always busy (aren't we all). Most of the time I get lots and lots done. And keeping it all on track is my specialty. BUT

it is hard - and I get behind - and then stressed . . .

So lately, with work, my own business, farming on the side, my family, 2 boys, school activities for them, coaching hockey, summer sports, lake, water skiing, my wife, investments, life-long learning (gotta keep up), holidays, family get-togethers, friends, volunteering, community, etc - it just got too much.

I have been getting further and further behind, rather than getting ahead.

I found out about Mark's program about 6 months ago. Read all about what he said - seemed simple - profound - just what I needed.
I wanted to get started - listened to his advice - but did not really start the program.

For 6 months - what a waste - I just go further behind running in circle trying to catch up.

Then I got smart - and actually started the program.

It was so easy - took me about 1-2 hours the first day just to get things set up - organized, etc.
That includes getting my short / medium / and long term goals down on paper - Mark shows you how.

Now just 15 minutes or less a day keeps me on track!

And the difference has been immense!

Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Those hours wasted wondering what needed to be done - what should be prioritized - am I missing something.

Now it is all taken care of!

Get it now - don't wait -> http://www.topzed.com/simple

Ask me anytime how it's going - I absolutely LOVE IT!

Jack

are you Crazy??

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

more Driving

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

Seniors Driving

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Old Friends

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Little ol' Lady

LITTLE LADY

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Hearing loss ...

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Three old sisters!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Lost . .. .

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

The Laws of Man

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of then birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

Old Age . .. . Wisdom

Old Age Hath yet it's virtue

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

JUST A MOM?

JUST A MOM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job or are you just a......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
said the recorder emphatically


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it?
I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.


I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
[what mother doesn't)
in the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the
rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations"
and great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants".

Some Top Sites to Check out

Welcome to My list of Top Sites

Puppy Dogs	In My stars
Money money money	Valentines
Lose the Weight	Is it Love

Three Men

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man, Bob, had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye - enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Canadian Women

A couple HillBillies

Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
Distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Wife Support . . .

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activit ies, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Older . . . better . . ..

For his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
“You are not getting older, You are just getting better.”
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”
It wasn’t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”

Go for a swim . . .

What a graceful landing...

Just another trip in a plane

Who really wants the window seat??

What would you say .... . . .

A young Artist!

a new medium . . .














I knew it was going

to be a bad day.

Just why did we

bury ourselves in the sand?

The future ????

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' 'S research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Choosing a Wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



....


..........


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

Hockey fun in Alberta

Check it out - Pond Hockey in Alberta - fun for the kids:

http://video.searchbigdaddy.com/

Is the Captain a Woman?

Is the Captain a Woman?


This is a good one!!



The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed
sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cock pit."

"It's the Box office."

New Cell Phone Law

New Cell Phone Law
According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2007 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A sample photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

.



.



.








I can hear you laughing. I thought you could use a laugh today. Pass it on and spread the smile!

Canadian Coffee

Canadian Coffee

A Newfoundland woman 'of a certain age', visited her physician to ask
his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went".

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor,
twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de
effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!

With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't
he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love
to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not
good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I
had in 25 years. But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim
Horton's ever again!"

SuperBowl Ads

When you find the time - these are two funny.

http://sports.aol.com/nfl/superbowlads

A Blonde's year in review

A Blonde's year in review

January - Took scarf back to store...too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllooo.. bottles won't fit in the typewriter

March - Got really excited.. finished jigsaw in 6 months...said 2-4 years on the box.

April - Trapped on escalator for hours during a power cut.

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions, 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Tried to go waterskiing, couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke race...found out later other swimmers cheated, they used their arms

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm! Car swamped because the soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is a "C" .. isn't it?

October - Hate M&M's ..they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4? days...Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

WHAT A YEAR !

Too cute

BOBBIE (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
One for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she Was
so old she didn't remember anymore. Me lanie said, "If you don't
Remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to Six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much
That when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
Vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
Explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's Me ?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please Don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Di (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
Cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
Kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
Dad : "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
What was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
This bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
Named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
Wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
Happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
Wrinkled woman her Mom knew.Tammy looked at her for a while and then
Asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget....

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven And a
rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but Dust."
He would have continued but, at that moment, my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
Shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust

Hockey Mom

This one I really like!

HOCKEY MOMS

--------------------------

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey

players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy

nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how

we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you

shouldn't argue,

curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.

Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a

chance to play,

it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your

mother.

Difference between Guys and Gals

Difference Between Women And Men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10 DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11 NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

That ol' Joke

Man shows up at the pearly gates

Sees this guy . . in a Pin Stripe Suit . . Briefcase . . . Smoking a cigar . . . prancing about.

Says to St. Peter, "Who's That Guy?"

St. Peter replies, "It's just God . . . thinks he's Denny Crane!"


.

.

What would you do if you actually met God some Day?

. . . Take him Fishing!

. . and he would probably want to wrestle me for Shirley!


Taken from a classic episode of Boston Legal - the final scene on the balcony between Denny and Alan Shore as they have a drink and smoke cigars.

They Walk Among US!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that

people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
They Walk Among Us!!!
====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!!!!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yup, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
====================

They walk among us, AND reproduce

What an adventure

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



SCROLL DOWN

.

..

....
Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you have had one too many drinks!

Life Explained

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said : "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

How true!!!!!!!!!!!
Life has now been explained to you.

First Kiss

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:






Is it the right time?





Is anyone watching?





Does your partner even want to?





Is your breath fresh?





And... Should you use some tongue?





Then you lean in and just go for it!!!







.


...


......


........

.

Head of the Household!

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared And said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were True heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were Dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was Only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled Your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this Line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Have some Fun each DAY!

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
me a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked dork.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I
asked him if he'd been a bully when he was a little kid, too. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Wife wants to cut the grass

Lawnmower Repair

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as
well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

Texas Chilli

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?