The Laws of Man

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of then birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

Old Age . .. . Wisdom

Old Age Hath yet it's virtue

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

JUST A MOM?

JUST A MOM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job or are you just a......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
said the recorder emphatically


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it?
I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.


I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
[what mother doesn't)
in the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the
rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations"
and great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants".

Some Top Sites to Check out

Welcome to My list of Top Sites

Puppy Dogs	In My stars
Money money money	Valentines
Lose the Weight	Is it Love

Three Men

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man, Bob, had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye - enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Canadian Women

A couple HillBillies

Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
Distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Wife Support . . .

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activit ies, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Older . . . better . . ..

For his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
“You are not getting older, You are just getting better.”
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”
It wasn’t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”

Go for a swim . . .

What a graceful landing...

Just another trip in a plane

Who really wants the window seat??

What would you say .... . . .

A young Artist!

a new medium . . .














I knew it was going

to be a bad day.

Just why did we

bury ourselves in the sand?

The future ????

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' 'S research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Choosing a Wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



....


..........


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

Hockey fun in Alberta

Check it out - Pond Hockey in Alberta - fun for the kids:

http://video.searchbigdaddy.com/

Is the Captain a Woman?

Is the Captain a Woman?


This is a good one!!



The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed
sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cock pit."

"It's the Box office."

New Cell Phone Law

New Cell Phone Law
According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2007 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A sample photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

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I can hear you laughing. I thought you could use a laugh today. Pass it on and spread the smile!

Canadian Coffee

Canadian Coffee

A Newfoundland woman 'of a certain age', visited her physician to ask
his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went".

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor,
twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de
effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!

With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't
he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love
to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not
good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I
had in 25 years. But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim
Horton's ever again!"

SuperBowl Ads

When you find the time - these are two funny.

http://sports.aol.com/nfl/superbowlads

A Blonde's year in review

A Blonde's year in review

January - Took scarf back to store...too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllooo.. bottles won't fit in the typewriter

March - Got really excited.. finished jigsaw in 6 months...said 2-4 years on the box.

April - Trapped on escalator for hours during a power cut.

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions, 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Tried to go waterskiing, couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke race...found out later other swimmers cheated, they used their arms

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm! Car swamped because the soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is a "C" .. isn't it?

October - Hate M&M's ..they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4? days...Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

WHAT A YEAR !

Too cute

BOBBIE (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
One for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she Was
so old she didn't remember anymore. Me lanie said, "If you don't
Remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to Six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much
That when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
Vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
Explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's Me ?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please Don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Di (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
Cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
Kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
Dad : "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
What was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
This bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
Named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
Wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
Happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
Wrinkled woman her Mom knew.Tammy looked at her for a while and then
Asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget....

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven And a
rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but Dust."
He would have continued but, at that moment, my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
Shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust

Hockey Mom

This one I really like!

HOCKEY MOMS

--------------------------

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey

players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy

nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how

we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you

shouldn't argue,

curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.

Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a

chance to play,

it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your

mother.

Difference between Guys and Gals

Difference Between Women And Men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10 DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11 NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."