That ol' Joke

Man shows up at the pearly gates

Sees this guy . . in a Pin Stripe Suit . . Briefcase . . . Smoking a cigar . . . prancing about.

Says to St. Peter, "Who's That Guy?"

St. Peter replies, "It's just God . . . thinks he's Denny Crane!"


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What would you do if you actually met God some Day?

. . . Take him Fishing!

. . and he would probably want to wrestle me for Shirley!


Taken from a classic episode of Boston Legal - the final scene on the balcony between Denny and Alan Shore as they have a drink and smoke cigars.

They Walk Among US!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that

people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
They Walk Among Us!!!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!!!!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yup, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
====================

They walk among us, AND reproduce

What an adventure

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



SCROLL DOWN

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Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you have had one too many drinks!

Life Explained

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said : "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

How true!!!!!!!!!!!
Life has now been explained to you.

First Kiss

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:






Is it the right time?





Is anyone watching?





Does your partner even want to?





Is your breath fresh?





And... Should you use some tongue?





Then you lean in and just go for it!!!







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Head of the Household!

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared And said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were True heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were Dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was Only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled Your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this Line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Have some Fun each DAY!

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
me a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked dork.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I
asked him if he'd been a bully when he was a little kid, too. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.