Wife wants to cut the grass

Lawnmower Repair

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as
well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

Texas Chilli

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

IQ Test

Here are a few riddles to test your IQ. My 10 year old told them to me, but I remember hearing them years ago.

If a rooster is sitting on the top of a house - right at the peak, in the center. If the house is facing North, the Rooster is facing backwards (that would be south right) and lays an egg - which way would the egg roll?



If a plane is flying from Vancouver to Toronto. As it goes over the Rockies it is struck by lightening. The first motor sputters and dies. It flies a little further until the second motor sputters and dies. By this time it is close to the Alberta/Saskatchewan border. It crash lands exactly on the border. Which province would you bury the survivors?



You are sitting down at a computer - pretend you are driving a car around a winding mountain road. At a tight corner the car crashes through the guard rail. The car lands on the top of a tree on the side of the mountain. It sits there for a couple seconds before breaking the tree and careening into the river below. Fortuneately the river is deep and the water breaks the fall. The car floats down stream, into a town and lands on the bank of the river where the lucky survivor rolls out of the wet car. What color is the survivors socks??

Answers . .

don't look until you have read and answered all three.

Please don't peak!

you are peaking . . . .

Ok, if you must look

I will tell you the answers.

But you will groan and say you should know these

Or you will remember them from when you were a kid.

Ok

The answers are

1 - Roosters don't lay eggs!!

2 - Survivors are not buried!!

3 - look at your socks!!! - what color are they - that is the answer!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jack

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house,
and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so
I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Women

One morning on a lake in Idaho, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking isn't that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

Survivors

Food For Thought

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . . .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms . . .

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned . . .

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, show it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Parking Diet

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid
passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this
morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed "Lord, it's up to you, if
you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking
place for me directly in front of the bakery.

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

hee hee hee
Jack

Aircraft Wreckage

Read the story first.

Some of you may know my ex-wife. She had started taking flying lessons
about the time our divorce started (1975) and she got her license
shortly before our divorce was final,later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she
was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in
Southern Alberta because of bad weather. Some could call it a crash;
an accident at the least. Our kids were with me at the Beach House
this weekend.

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a
preliminary determination citing pilot error contributed to the
accident, and Judy was flying a single engine aircraft (a basic model,
at best) in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only
having obtained a VFR (visual flight
rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel
on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph in the attached link below was taken at the scene shows
the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

AIRCRAFT DISASTER link

Elephants Memory

This is touching... make sure you read to the end!!
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush, a man came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the bottom of the elephant's foot, only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he could, he removed the thorn and the elephant very gingerly put its foot down. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes, the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turned and walked away.
For years after, the man often remembered and pondered the events of that day... One day, the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. He climbed tentatively over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back at it in wonder. Suddenly, the elephant wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs, picked him up and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

Fun and Games

Sometimes we work too hard. We all need a little fun in out life.

So I am making this Blog for all those jokes that come my way. For all those neat websites I find. For any great game sites.

So bookmark us now, as this is your quick stop for lightening up your day.

Jack