Happy Wife = Happy Life

Clear instructions for a happy household

The Merit/Demerit Point System......

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system works.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

++

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)

* In the rain. (+8)

* But return with Beer. (-5)

++

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college
buddy.
(-2)

Named Tina. (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Saskatchewan

I am a good ol' Saskatchewan Farm Boy - so I liked this one!

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than
one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and often.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you and most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left
you. Then walk beside you in the front of the crowd.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
SASKATCHEWAN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their SASKATCHEWAN
Friends!

"Life is Short. Dance Naked & Wiggle Your Butt."

Common Sense ?? .....

SO true in life!!!

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary
Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Amazing Facts about the Human Body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of
human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed
the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream
lasts 2-3 seconds
.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of
water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the
same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?

Two Hutterites....

(I can hear your groans from here!)

Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head
directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the
Farm Boss, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies in dat cage up der,"
says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob and John pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and
drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge,
John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a
grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the
bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and
says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO:

Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's
been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag
and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down,
Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet
until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya, und I'm
never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....
PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe,
the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out
of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then
grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits
bottom.

Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie
jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.

The Pastors Ass

This is funny and has a good moral at the end-no need to be offended.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT .

The Bishop was so up set with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

.The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself And enjoy life...
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a Lot happier and live longer!